Anatomy of Humanity: The Cheater and Why We Cheat

Trust is the invisible thread that weaves through every aspect of human connection. From casual interactions to our most intimate relationships, trust forms the bedrock upon which we build our social lives.

Yet, this foundation can be shattered in an instant through the act of infidelity.

At its essence, cheating is a form of deception that goes beyond the physical act itself. It's a tapestry of lies, carefully woven excuses, and self-justifications that accumulate over time, ultimately leading to what we call betrayal.

While cheating doesn't always spell the end of a relationship, it inevitably transforms it into something entirely different from what it once was.

And for today, the work of renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perel, will be our catalyst.

To truly comprehend the nature of infidelity, or more commonly know as cheating, we must shift our focus from the act itself or the betrayed partner to understand the complexity of the one who chooses to cheat—the cheater.

Anybody Can Cheat

In the world of financial auditing, we use a framework called the Fraud Triangle to understand why people commit deceptive acts.

This same model provides fascinating insights into how people cheat in relationships.

The Fraud Triangle via Corporate Finance Institute

The triangle consists of three critical elements:

• Opportunity

• Incentive

• Rationalization

For infidelity to occur, there must first be an opportunity—a chance to engage in the deceptive behavior. This combines with an incentive, the motivation driving someone toward the act.

But perhaps most crucially, there's rationalization.

While opportunity and incentive are the pretexts, rationalization are the stories we tell ourselves after the fact to justify our actions.

Rationalization is particularly powerful because it serves as both a salve for our conscience and a permission slip for future transgressions.

It's through this process that we normalize our behavior, gradually eroding our sense of accountability to those who trust us most.

The truth is, deception is deeply rooted in human nature, no one is immune to it.

We deceive for varying reasons: physical pleasure, emotional validation, social status, or simply the thrill of the forbidden.

And for each transgression, we craft elaborate narratives to convince ourselves that we're not morally compromised—we're just human beings in a bad situation (or so we tell ourselves.)

Even Happy Couples Cheat

One of the most counterintuitive aspects of infidelity, as highlighted by Esther Perel, is that being a happy couple doesn't guarantee fidelity.

Happy, well-adjusted people in fulfilling relationships still cheat, often driven by personal yearnings or unresolved issues that have little to do with their partner.

This revelation challenges the conventional wisdom about "affair-proofing" relationships.

Attempting to prevent cheating by controlling the circumstance—like outright banning contact with exes—often backfires, creating an atmosphere of doubt that undermines the very trust it aims to protect.

When we seek connection outside our relationship, we're often not running from our partner but from the person we've become in our relationships.

The affair becomes less about finding another person and more about discovering (or rediscovering) another version of themselves.

Hence, the betrayal, in the eyes of the cheater, becomes a quest for self-discovery and meaning.

It’s no longer about sex.

Rather, it’s now an avenue to redefine the person they have become or revive the person that died in the relationship.

The Double Standard of Cheating

The historical narrative surrounding infidelity reveals a stark double standard that persists even today.

Throughout history, men's infidelity has been tacitly accepted, even expected, while women's has been harshly condemned.

When men cheat, society often frames it through the lens of adventure and conquest—a natural expression of man’s restlessness and nomadic nature.

Yet, when women engage in the same behavior, it's typically portrayed as a moral failure, a sign of emotional weakness, or uncontrollable lust.

This double standard extends beyond infidelity into sex in general.

Sexually active men are celebrated as being men with unwavering charisma, while sexually active women face harsh backlash at the expense of their self-esteem.

Men would be ‘popular with the ladies’; women would be ‘easy to get.’

Men would be ‘players’ with adventurous spirits; women would be—to put it bluntly—’a whore’.

It's a dichotomy that persists and continues to divide. Women have long held the right to vote, yet they’re still viewed as the witch in every village.

Beyond Sex

Contemporary infidelity is not just about sex. In our modern context, affairs often represent a desire—a search for attention, significance, and vitality.

They're about feeling seen, appreciated, and alive in a world that often feels mundane and predictable.

This feeling is particularly felt when we enter a stable relationship, a sense of permanence blankets daily life leaving little to no room for excitement and risk.

As Esther Perel observes, "We have never been more inclined to stray, not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel entitled to pursue our desires... Because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy."

You can be happy now, but you can be even happier somehow, right?

From here we can provide our own observation.

Modern life presents a unique paradox: we're told to pursue our passions and live life to the fullest, yet many of us find ourselves trapped in routines that feel anything but extraordinary.

This disconnect between expectation and reality creates fertile ground for betrayal, dissatisfaction, and even resentment.

Not In Defense Of Cheating

This analysis is by no means a defense of infidelity or the cheater. Rather, it's an acknowledgment that cheating isn't a simple ailment with predictable symptoms and clear-cut solutions.

Cheating is a complex human behavior woven from threads of desire, opportunity, and dissatisfaction.

Infidelity doesn't always signal the death of a relationship, though it signals the end of what it once was. What emerges in its aftermath are two conflicting narratives:

• What it did to the betrayed partner

• What it meant to the one who strayed

The betrayed partner experiences infidelity as a profound violation of trust that calls into question not only the relationship but their own judgment and self-worth.

Meanwhile, the person who cheated often carries a complex mixture of guilt, justification, and personal revelation—a narrative centered on their own journey rather than the pain they've caused.

Everyone is susceptible to cheating; no one is immune to the complexities of human nature.

However, to truly move forward, we must recognize that in an affair, the betrayed partner is not always the only victim in the relationship.

Conclusion

Cheating represents far more than a simple breach of trust or a moment of weakness. It's a complex phenomenon that reflects our deepest human desires and vulnerabilities.

Whether driven by a search for identity, a desire for attention, or an attempt to escape life's monotony, affairs tell us something profound about human nature.

Despite our desire for stability and love, we often find ourselves drawn to the extraordinary. What should bring us peace instead feels outright boring.

Why do we cheat?

Because human nature compels us to crave more, even when we have enough.

At a much deeper level, cheating is a form of escape—an attempt to discover or rediscover a version of ourselves that was sacrificed to preserve a relationship or to cope with modern challenges and grief that lurk in the shadow of infidelity.

In the end, cheating is simply a permission slip we write for ourselves—one inked with the regret of becoming someone we never intended to be in the relationship.